lilyzm (lilyzm) wrote in egl,

Doubts, fears and sadness

 Hello, I am new to this community but not to Lolita itself. 

My name's Catherine. I am eighteen years old, and mother of a beautiful toddler named Luna. She turned three on August 13th.
I've been admiring the Lolita fashion for years now, since I turned thirteen to be exact. When I was about to turn fifteen, I realized I was going to be a mother. I used to weight a mere 104 pounds, and now I'm sure I'm around the 200... I never got to lose the weight, since I'm medicated, plus I use a contraceptive method.  I am married, but the three of us ( Husband, Luna and I ) still live under my parents roof, since my husband's salary isn't really enough for us to move out and I am a full time student.

I am afraid to dress in Lolita, even though I love it. I dream about dressing up, having lots of JSK's and tea party shoes and poofy skirts. Yes, I literally do. But I am afraid, and sad at the same time, because I think I'll disrespect the fashion and you, if I dare to dress up, being so young and with a baby girl, when Lolita reflects innocence and sweetness. Something pure.

I really don't have any friends, and I know there's a Lolita community around here, but I'm scared they'll reject me. I know that I should be more confident, but I've had problems before with being a young mother, I know that if I ever get to live this dream, I'll affect Luna even more. I'd like to go to college dressed in Lolita, go to the mall, anything, at least once, I'd like to feel beautiful again. 

I can fit into some brand clothes, if I look desperately enough, heh. But my budget isn't the best either. I search the community sales everyday, even though I know I won't buy anything. I just wonder. Being such a tiny girl before, and suddenly getting almost 100 pounds in less than a year, has made me such a pessimist person. I think I'll never lose any weight. 

I know this doesn't have anything to do with the subject, but these are my measurements:
Bust - 104 cm or 42 inch
Waist- 100cm
Hips- 120(?) I really don't remember. 

I don't look obese though, just a bit overweight, compared obviously to how I used to look.
I don't know if this was correct to post here, but I'm just seeking for help.
Should I give up? Is it "disgusting"? I mean, what I'm trying to do.
Would it offend you girls? 

I don't want to be a Sweet or Gothic Lolita. I know that if I ever do achieve this, I'll go more for something Casual, or Classic.


I forgot to add, the first link is an "actual picture of me" 
While the second one is a pretty old one. 

Tags: discussion: misc, lifestyle: maternity
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