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Lolita and parents?  
12th-Nov-2012 08:06 pm

Hello, fellow rufflies~<3  A little help here...?  ono

Anyhow, I'm a 14-year-old girl who absolutely adores lolita.  After much convincing I finally was able to get one JSK from Chess Story as a gift from my grandmother(which my mother had to give her permission for.)  My mom absolutely hates Lolita and thinks I look ridiculous and "like a fat tank" in it.  But I'm not here to complain about her; rather, I'm attempting to achieve a happy medium between the two of us and our tastes.

And, well, that's the part that's complicated. 

I've been trying to convince her that Lolita isn't bad for goodness knows how long.  She wants me to dress "normally," as she puts it, and detests things that aren't cookie-cutter, everyday styles of fashion.  She also doesn't hold modesty in nearly any esteem.  As long as the bare minimums of me are covered, she could care less as to what else was showing.  Because I'm generally not comfortable in clothes that expose myself and whatnot, we've had a number of heated arguments over it.  If anyone has any advice about trying to convince her to allow me to wear things, it would be greatly appreciated.  I'm alright with just about any kind of Lolita, but I'm mostly into Classic, country, Gothic, and Shiro/Kuro.  I also like military style, but the chances of me having any sometime soon are close to zero ^^;.  I've tried to show her pictures of people's coords (never OTT) and she usually just comments about how ugly they are and how it is a costume.

Any advice is greatly appreciated!  Thanks~<3

13th-Nov-2012 01:23 am (UTC)
i read rufflies as roofies for some reason O.o. That aside maybe try casual. A cutsew and a nice skirt with a not as poofie pettie? It sounds weird that she should care this much when she only cares if your bare essentials are covered.. maybe try to slowly work lolita in and not just jump into full out outfits around her. Does she normally bring attention to it when you dress in lolita or only certain dresses?
13th-Nov-2012 02:04 am (UTC)
Ruffly roofies? Anyway thanks. And yeah, she does. She hates when I put the small petti I have under skirts that'll fit with them. But I'm trying, little by little~
13th-Nov-2012 06:55 am (UTC)
Sadly that is all i can advise you to do for right now. If it does become a serious force of friction i would stop and go back to the little things and keep it at that until you leave the house/ move out. Better to keep the peace i think.
13th-Nov-2012 01:25 am (UTC)
Do you have a local community that she could meet? We've had mom's drop Lolis off at our events (especially younger Lolis like yourself), and I think it reassures them to see that we are relatively well adjusted, non-psychotic people. Basically, we are all unique but relatively "normal" and maybe it will help her realize that a lot of people who wear alternative fashion trends are not something to be afraid of. I think making the connection to real people and not just pictures may help, but she may just not be able to be open minded about this. Not everyone can.

Along those lines, if she cannot be open minded, then perhaps you do not have to expect her to be. Is this something that you can agree to disagree on? After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. However, I realize it is more difficult for someone your age perhaps, since you have much less autonomy than someone of my advanced years. :)

Anyway, I am not sure if that is helpful at all, but that is just what came to my mind. Just make sure that you are patient and understanding of her feelings, and what ever you do, try not to get angry. Although I'm sure your situation is very frustrating, a temper will not help your cause (although you seem to be handling the situation very maturely so far...).

Anyway, good luck!
13th-Nov-2012 02:05 am (UTC)
Yup, she's met them, too. And I even went to two meetups with the local loli's, so that part is going very well. I just want to know if maybe by only liking the fashion and asking her about buying them or her opinions on them that I'm taking the wrong approach.
13th-Nov-2012 01:32 am (UTC)
I think it's time for some teenage rebellion. Tell her it's your body and you'll dress how you want.
13th-Nov-2012 01:34 am (UTC)
That'll escalate fast, I think...
13th-Nov-2012 01:35 am (UTC)
Up until around the time she goes to college.
13th-Nov-2012 01:39 am (UTC)
OP's 14. Let's not set up her parents to hate her guts for the next 4 years.

And, on a note of personal experience, it doesn't always stop at college D:
13th-Nov-2012 01:48 am (UTC)
It could go either way I think. Sometime around that age, parents just need to realize that they no longer get to make all the decisions anymore and they no longer have a child, but a functioning person living with them.

And I'm with you on that. There's a reason I moved 2,000 miles away. I think our relationship is better over the phone and with her thinking my room isn't covered in pastels and stuffed animals. I just don't know what to do when she finally comes to visit. I'm thinking of just playing it off like she's the crazy one for thinking it's weird.
13th-Nov-2012 02:03 am (UTC)
Thank you both of you C:
13th-Nov-2012 02:51 am (UTC)
No it doesn't! D:
But at least then you are away :D
13th-Nov-2012 04:02 am (UTC)
it takes a lot for parents to hate their children.
13th-Nov-2012 01:35 am (UTC)
I'd say be yourself, and show a little assertiveness to her. Now assertiveness is not the same as agressiveness, but if she sees you're easy to put down, she's
going to think it's easy to persuade you to change your mind and do what she likes. Try to find a different way of wording things, if she doesn't like how you
talk or approach her; sometimes it's the way you approach the subject that will lead to a different reaction. Tell her it's for you, because it makes you
happy, not for anyone else, and that you don't feel comfortable in revealing clothing because it makes everyone else happy, but not yourself. (At least I'm under
the impression your mother is pressuring you to wear sexy (unmodest) clothes?) Try to show your point of view; that this will attract unwanted attention for you,
that you don't like men eyeing you or objectifying you. Will that's all I could think of... I never really had an issue with my parents, so I'm sorry I couldn't be of more
help! For mine, they thought it was wierd, but my dad didn't care, and my mother was picky, but generally supportive of certain styles. I don't know how it feels like,
but it must be hard having a close relative against something you really like. :c
13th-Nov-2012 02:03 am (UTC)
Yeah, my dad doesn't care either. XD Your advice was extremely helpful <3
13th-Nov-2012 05:55 am (UTC)
No problem! There's quite a few blogs that cover this as well, but I hope the advice everyone has given you will be of some use. c:
13th-Nov-2012 01:45 am (UTC)
Well then you should tell her to get out of your house . Oh wait, you're living under your parents roof, eating their food, and having your needs taken care of with their money? In that case, maybe you should put up with their rules and their opinions until you are no longer requiring their assistance to survive. It's not worth the disharmony with your family to argue over something like this - I was a shithead teenager too and now I wish I had just listened to my mom more and shown her how much I appreciated everything she did for me.

If your grandma likes it, then just get dressed up and go over to her house and hang out and spend time with her, you'll wish you had had more time with her one day, believe me. Plus if all you do is get dressed up and hang out with your grandma, you mom may come to realize that it's not some weird sex or drugs thing and ease up.

I could sugar coat this for you but I'm trying to lay it out for you like a grown up, and trust that you'll take my advice like one. It's easy for me to say stuff like this in retrospect now that I'm in my haggard 20s, but it is probably going to be hard for you to accept my advice. Just ask yourself if it's really worth a prolonged battle with your mom over something like clothes. You'll have your whole life to wear whatever you want once you leave the nest.
13th-Nov-2012 02:01 am (UTC)
Helpful. I appreciate you not sugar-coating it ^^
13th-Nov-2012 01:56 am (UTC)
Parents can be tough. I got into lolita as a teen (probably around the same age as you) and luckily my mom loved it. Unfortunately, I don't have much advice other than just do what you're already doing. You seem to have a great attitude about the whole thing. Maybe if you can slowly progress into lolita (thrifting is a good option for loli-able pieces at low prices) and show your mom the confidence which it gives you, she will slowly start to become used to it. Just let her know that it is what makes you happy. (Any good mom will deep down care that their child is happy. That's all that should matter, even if they're stubborn at first.)
It sucks that she doesn't like it, but it's your decisions about the clothes you are putting on your body. You have the right to wear what you want! Obviously it can be hard to get lolita stuff as a teen-- with limited income and not having your own credit card to buy things online, it takes a long time to build up a wardrobe. Hopefully by showing her your confidence and love for the fashion she will eventually come around and see what a beautiful daughter she has, no matter what the clothing. =)
13th-Nov-2012 02:01 am (UTC)
Thanks so much. Good advice. I've had a great time thrifting with some friends. c:
(Deleted comment)
13th-Nov-2012 02:20 am (UTC)
Hehe, thanks! :D
And yeah, sometimes things just get bleh. I've learned to become indifferent with her insults. I'm a straight A student in all honors classes, so I do hope I could use that to my advantage. xD And yes, I'm also very determined in looking for a job. Admiring lolita from afar on tumblr and egl and whatnot has been a hobby for quite some time! I think I'll continue even after I've a full wardrobe - it's just so lovely to look at! Thanks for the advice, again. Everyone is so helpful OuO
13th-Nov-2012 12:08 pm (UTC)
You sound like you are determined to do well for yourself and I think any parent would be proud of have someone who is willing to work hard for what they want. I can understand if you mother was worried you wouldn't give yourself the best chance in life by being 'strange.' However, there are plenty of successful individuals interested in this fashion and we all find a way to make it work! I hope you can find a way to dress how you love without having to bump heads with your mother all of the time.
13th-Nov-2012 02:17 am (UTC)
My grandmother does this to me >.> literally just dress how you like c: As long as you are comfortable who give a flea on a leash?
13th-Nov-2012 02:20 am (UTC)
I guess so! Haha... fleas on leashes. x3
13th-Nov-2012 02:33 am (UTC)
I think that the best ways to get something like this across to your parents would be to show them that you're serious enough about dressing in this fashion that you're willing to work to get the clothes. Apart from that, you could make them aware of the communities and that you're interested in attending the meet-ups! Maybe start out letting it just be a meet-up and event thing, and then if they'll allow it, you can slowly start dressing in Lolita more regularly.

I wrote a blog post about parents here :)

Edited at 2012-11-13 02:35 am (UTC)
13th-Nov-2012 02:38 am (UTC)
Ooh, thanks! I'm reading it now!
13th-Nov-2012 02:44 am (UTC)
I am in a situation very much like yours. I started wearing lolita when i was 14, and am now almost 18 and heading off to University this fall. My mother hated the fashion, and said while wearing it i looked like a cheap slut and whore, and that she would rather i wear half tops and short shorts than be seen outside in lolita. She's very much about following the norm, and doesn't look well upon originality in clothing

I couldn't get many of the clothes i wanted when i wasn't working, as she wouldn't pay for them, but now i finance my own wardrobe, as she doesn't have any control over my spending. She also instituted a rule in our house, which sucks but works for now and at least gives me some freedom. I am not allowed to wear lolita to any events or anywhere she goes with me, but am allowed to wear it anywhere that is an aspect of my life she doesn't participate in, such as school, conventions or meetups

Maybe she will eventually come around to it, but sometimes, like with my situation, compromises have to be made, and ultimately her word is law more the next few years. I wish you all the best luck!
13th-Nov-2012 05:31 am (UTC)
I honestly can't understand parents, especially mothers who would rather have their child wear revealing clothing than something like Lolita. Granted it is "young looking" and can give "creepy men bad ideas" but I just personally can't understand it.

I think the rule your mother came up with is fairly reasonable (for someone who doesn't like what her daughter is wearing) but I couldn't help but be a little struck by "aspect of my life she doesn't participate in, such as school..."

I think you probably meant that she isn't 'seen with you' at school, but it almost comes across as she doesn't care about your education either (which I know you probably didn't mean it that way).

On that note, I think it's a little weird for a mother not to *want* to be seen with their child if they wear something they don't like, even if it's nice and modest.

Just seems weird to me.
13th-Nov-2012 05:46 am (UTC)
Sorry, i should have made myself more clear. My school is a uniform school, and i am allowed to wear lolita on non uniform days, because she is not at the school on a daily basis, and because my friends are there it's considered my spot, so to speak. That's what i meant by doesn't participate in C: She very much cares about my education, no problems there

My mom is mostly being protective, i think, because she worries i'll get bullied, assaulted or worse because of what i wear.

I don't try to understand my mom, and overall she is a great mother, she just has a strong aversion to my clothing choices and hobbies
13th-Nov-2012 05:56 am (UTC)
Oh I see. I always wanted uniforms at my public schools, god knows enough people were ah, excuse my language, slutty in taste. Heaven forbid Spirit Week. It's like girls take that as license to wear panty-line cut-off shorts.

I don't think I had too many run-ins with my parents concerning what they REALLY don't like. The only thing that comes to mind is tattoos, only because my dad is HIGHLY against it and quotes numerous passages in the bible about marking one's self and such.

Oh, that and skirts without shorts in them. If it ain't knee-length, it ain't in my closet. This was back when short jean skirts were all the rage and my mother (whom I thank many times over now after high-school) was like, "No shorts, no skirt."

She thought Lolita was adorable though. Maybe thought it was a little over-the-top but nothing really against it.
13th-Nov-2012 12:03 pm (UTC)
You guys are both extremely helpful. I'm happy to know that I'm certainly not alone in this. But yes, hopefully she'll come around to it eventually.
13th-Nov-2012 02:53 am (UTC)
Fam's family, and eventually, they have to learn the difference between bad and things that are just different ):
Been struggling with that with my mom for forevers. She finally said something positive about one of my loli outfits this year! (even though she thought it was a costume still XD )

-pats- I don't know if there's much advice I can give you, but I've got an ear for if you need to rant =3
13th-Nov-2012 09:17 am (UTC)
Well the way I see it, you can either ignore your mother and wear lolita to her disapproval, or you can respect your mother's wishes and not wear lolita to her approval. Either way, you should treat the subject of your mother's wishes versus your wishes as closed because let's face it, you don't want a happy medium - a happy medium would be more like you being allowed to wear more frilly and feminine things, not lolita.

You should also really think about whether wearing lolita is the big thing you need to fight your mother for "acceptance" on. In a few years, any combination of the following can happen:

1. Be unable to fit in the clothes, or the few clothes you could afford now be worn out with no funds to replace them;
2. Aesthetically develop away from lolita into an equally expensive alternative fashion or mainstream fashion;
3. Discover an even more costly thing (college, usually) that depletes your lolita time/funds;
4. Come across an even bigger issue but your mother already decided that lolita was the "one last indulgence" and are even more resistant;
5. Changed life situations where you don't even have to worry about your mother's opinion.

Right now it sounds like you want your mother to approve of you wearing an expensive (even offbrand taobao dresses cost ~$100 with shipping and shopping service fees involved) and impractical fashion (not many occasions in life call for a cotton sundress with a petticoat under it). Her not liking it is just the icing on the cake. Even if you say it is all your own money, fact of the matter is she foots the bill for your daily life in order that you could afford lolita. If you're going to wear lolita, she should be allowed to grouse to her heart's content.
13th-Nov-2012 09:47 am (UTC)
hihi as an older person... I think this is the time you should start being a rebel :P haha...
strange that almost nude is more ok than lolita BUT I know other people that think so to so... I get where your mom's comming from...
but I think you should keep fighting and doing what you love... in the end she will see that this is who you are and what you want... :)
that's what I did and I won :P lols... <3
13th-Nov-2012 02:56 pm (UTC)
I remember when I was 13 and got into the goth subculture. My dad hated it, but my mom didn't care. I kept wearing it and wouldn't give in, and eventually he stopped bugging me about it. Perhaps the same could happen with your mom? Maybe she just needs time to get used to seeing such a fashion.
13th-Nov-2012 04:18 pm (UTC)
It seems like part of this issue stems from the taste in clothing that your mother has. My mom is similar, and even though I'm in my 20's she still expresses her distaste for the majority my fashion choices. The one thing I have found is that she likes the lolita that looks more 50's in style! Because it resembles western fashion more readily, I think she's more comfortable being seen with me when I'm wearing something like this or this with a set of heels and a cardigan.

Granted, my mother is older (probably as old as your grandmother) and she was raised with a more conservative mindframe. Your mother might find it still strange that one would aim to dress so conservatively to begin with, especially if this fashion is different then how you previously had dressed. My suggestion is to take it slow. Wear skirts more often, or peterpan collared blouses (without the lace and ruffles) with jeans. When you do start wearing lolita, avoid dresses with lots of details and favor solid-color pieces. You also have your entire life to wear lolita, there's no need to rush in right now!
13th-Nov-2012 07:59 pm (UTC)
Hang in there :c sometimes we can't truly understand our parents actions and whether they are good or bad for us until we are older. It wasn't until I was 18 and with the objectivity of my boyfriend I felt like I started to 'understand' my mum, and in turn I learnt how to deal with her better. Do what you feel is right... and what makes you happy.
13th-Nov-2012 08:16 pm (UTC)
My mom hates lolita. I have been into lolita for 11 years, starting when I was around 14 to now at age 25. Sometimes the less you show your mom about lolita the better. No amount of exposure was going to make my mom like lolita, so I gave up. I wear classic lolita, which I don't think looks too ridiculous, but like your mom, she hates everything but cookie-cutter mainstream fashion. I purchased all of my lolita clothing with my own money, and I don't wear anything but very toned down classic around her, even at this point when I have been living away from home for 7 years.

My advice would be if you mom still has a negative reaction to lolita after you explain it to her and show her coordinates, just drop it. Get a Paypal account, and use your own money to purchase items. If she is really adamant about it, you could perhaps store you lolita items at a friend's house and get dressed up over there. But my argument that it is my money and I will do with it what I want pretty much shut my mom up.
13th-Nov-2012 11:38 pm (UTC)
I am in my 20's and just now starting to try and wear lolita... and I have a similar problem. Although I would venture to say my mother is a bit more eloquent in her dislike for it xD My mom was supportive of me when I started wearing the Hot Topic gothy clothes in high school (I was about 15 or 16) and she would even stand up for me when teachers harassed me over it. But whenever I show her or my sister pictures of the lolita fashion, not even the OTT, there is this awkwardness that comes from her when I talk about it. Although my sister is a bit more vocal about it, saying things like "why would anyone want to wear a costume when it's not Halloween" or looking through my GLB and saying things like "Oh my god what is this?!" in shock and horror. (I'm totally not kidding xD ) Although, considering, it probably is because I'm in my 20's and maybe it seems creepy to them? But I want to try Classic and Gothic style (and maybe mix it with Mori) so maybe once they see that not all styles are pink and fluffy they will calm down? So I probably won't get to wear lolita outside of cons, or until I can afford to live on my own and make friends with similar interests.

sorry, rambling. /unhelpful

That being said, I think everyone's advice is rather sound. You can still be yourself and respect your mom's tastes. Save up your money so that when you are older and living on your own you can wear it more freely, perhaps to meetups or just on a day when you want to feel good and go out and about~ if you like it that much, it will be worth it! Also, working in loli-able things into the every day to maybe ease everyone into it and (hopefully) it will make you happy too! ^_^ (I think a lot of people said this already though. derp)

Don't give up! You'll get there

Edited at 2012-11-14 12:41 am (UTC)
14th-Nov-2012 01:01 am (UTC)
Been struggling with this for 10 years (my mom still maintains that I look like a drag queen). Being autonomous is hard. But you know what? Get a part time job, save some money, and buy your own things. Or ask for a sewing machine for the holidays. That's what I did when I was 13. Your parents will respect your independence and dedication and should take you more seriously as an independent thinker. Good luck!
14th-Nov-2012 04:03 am (UTC)
Do you have a lolita community to attend frequently? If yes, maybe you could invite your mom to attend that community where all of your lolita friends could affect her? Lolita is such a lovely style which suits for teenages. :)
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